On Christmas day, I visited my Auntie Linda’s house to spend an evening with some of my favorite people, eating the most delicious food, and playing a round of spades and Phase 10. It was a pretty chill night, seeing as my family doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but it was a great sort of night that got me thinking.
It wasn’t the spades that got me thinking. Or the cocktails. Or even the company.
It was the food, and the rose petal soap buds and the jar of cinnamon scrub sitting on the corner of the tub in the guest bathroom. I realized something.
I wanted those things.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “We all want something.”
And it’s true. We all want something. But why? And I’m not talking about the surface level why. I’m talking about the why that explains all the “I want’s” we’ve said throughout our lives. Where and how do all these little things add up? What’s their purpose?
So, I thought to myself, “Azia, why do you want those soap petals? The scrub? Just to have it? To show it off? No….You want it because….because….”
It’s part of the smaller picture. My smaller picture. The one that doesn’t have definite edges and 1080p clarity. It’s the smaller picture made up of smaller, random images that overlap and fit together unevenly. At this point in my life, I’m not sure where I’m going. I don’t have my bigger picture yet. I just have images of what I want in my future.
And I don’t just want things, I want experiences too. I want to see myself in places and I want to hold things in my hands. It’s not greed. I don’t want money.
This is what I see, this is what I want:
- I want a red coat, one that is heavy and warm, but stylish
- I want to stand on a bridge overlooking a river or an ocean with a city skyline in the background (maybe New York or maybe even London) while wearing my red coat and a wool grey beret. I’ll have braids that day.
- I want to pick fresh lavender from the fields (in France, perchance?) and hold the flowers in my hands
- I want bundles of lavender and thyme and rosemary hanging in my kitchen as they dry, later to be used for my desserts and dinner
- I want my cookies to be held in an actual cookie jar
- I want to eat chocolate chip cookies out of my cookie jar for a late midnight snack
- I want a cookbook so I can have a stash of recipes I can pass on to friends and family
- I want to be the grandma that knows how to cook excellent food for every occasion
- I want to be a passenger in a beat up, old pick up truck
- I want that truck to drive down an empty country road with green and wheat colored fields on each side. I’ll stick my hand out the window and catch the wind. The sun will begin to set.
- I want to stand under the strands of a willow tree
- I want the willow tree to be near a stream or river
- I want a library in my house. It will have a coffee station. Anyone is welcome to visit my library
- I want an armchair in the corner of my library near a window. I’ll sit there almost every morning to read and drink coffee or tea
- I want to be in a place with trees, preferably sycamores and maples, so maybe I’ll be in a forest, hiking, walking, wandering
- I want to gaze up at the sequoias again. I’ll have a polaroid by then to take pictures of them
- I want a string of polaroid photos up on my wall, any wall, documenting my adventures and all the things that I want and received
- I want to bathe in a claw foot tub with bubbles that smell like roses and a jar of scrub I don’t think I’ll ever use sitting on the corner
- I want, I want, I want
I want all these small things and more. I want to slowly develop my bigger picture by paying attention to the smaller one, the one consisting of all these little images and desires.
I know a few of these wants will never become mine and I know some of these may even be fantasy. But maybe that’s all part of my bigger picture. Because one thing I know for sure. My bigger picture involves a lot of dreams and dreaming and thankfully, I am nothing if not a dreamer.
Once again, I apologize for my ramblings. Sometimes, I just gotta share what’s on my mind.